“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure no one listens.” ~ Judith Lewis Herman
It’s the summer of 1970 and the bedroom is pale yellow. I lay between it and two teenagers with their fingers in my shorts. I turn my head away from the two dark-haired teenagers there to protect me, it’s sweltering outside. My sisters must be elsewhere, mother at work and my breathing jumps. My 6-year-old brain struggles to understand the sensations my body is feeling.
“You better not tell anyone, they won’t believe you,” he said.
They both laughed.
“Young girls are like helpless children in the hands of amorous men, whatever is said to them is true and whatever manipulation on their bodies seems like love to them, sooner or later, they come back to their senses, but the scars are not dead inasmuch as her spoiler lives.” ~ Michael Bassey Johnson
I couldn’t talk, my body layered with sweat, heart pounding. I squirmed, trying to get away. They covered my mouth and violated this young child. I felt embarrassed and confused. I tried to turn over. Hands held me in place, arms pinned to the bed.
“You can’t get away and you’re going to be in so much trouble. Look what you did, you’re so bad,” the other one said.
Tears rolled down my cheek, I closed my eyes. Maybe if I can’t see them it’ll stop. I think. They continue their dirty deed and I feel sick. It hurts.
No matter how loud she cries, she can't stop or change what is happening. No matter what she does, the pain will not stop.
The bed bounces as one gets off the bed and drops his shorts. He’s hard and pushes my hand toward him. I pull back my hand and he smacks me. I’m scared and he climbs up onto the bed, while the other one pulls my shorts off and then my underwear. He stretches my legs open and comes down toward my body, laying on top of me. I cannot breathe, his thing pushes me open as he tries to enter and it hurts.
“AAAHHHH!” I screamed loudly.
He jumps up, dresses and they disappeared.
I hide underneath the covers and hold my breath. The front door opens and slams shut. Seconds later, I hear my sisters voices. I exhale. I’m shaking and I wipe my tears. I don’t want to be in trouble. I don’t want anyone to know. I feel bad and my stomach hurts. The area between my legs on fire, pulsating from pain. I reached under the covers for my shorts and underwear at the foot of the bed. I pull them on as best as I can and pretend to sleep.
I never opened my mouth about this to anyone.
“The silence was killing me.
And that's all there ever was. Silence. It was all I knew. Keep quiet. Pretend nothing had happened, that nothing was wrong. And look how well that was turning out.” ~ J. Lynn
“Honoring all ways we survived our childhood abuse is healing. We were amazing and courageous.”
― Jeanne McElvaney, Spirit Unbroken: Abby's Story
My story of sexual assault isn’t new, in fact, heightened sensitivity to childhood sexual abuse increased as divorce, single-parent households and working mothers also increased in the ’70s. Due to absent fathers, during WWII and mother’s supporting the family this sparked public anxiety. Although this was the case, my story went unreported and I held it in the corners of my mind, forever to bring shame. The recesses of my mind told me I was bad, unbelievable, unloveable and unworthy, even to this day.
Freudian concepts began to emerge into the impact sexual assault had on children, but the ambiguous theories caused some experts to deny long-lasting psychological damage. According to Mintz in his 2012 research, Placing Childhood Sexual Abuse in Historical Perspective, there were concerns even the mildest penetration caused long-term psychological damage. Nevertheless, the key findings of the report revealed American’s divide to recognize the lasting impact on children and the emphasis was on the perpetrator and not the victim. Finally, private institutions that facilitate this abuse merely ignored it.
The #MeToo movement, originally founded by Tarana Burke in 2006, actually launched a wave of molested and sexually assaulted women to come forward. It wasn’t until this time that I dug deep into the dark corridors of my mind to remember this 30 minutes of hell in my early life. The realization that my mental health has long been affected, my self-confidence bruised and my relationships dysfunctional; all due to my childhood trauma.
Abuse is never contained to a present moment, it lingers across a person’s lifetime and has pervasive long-term ramifications.”
― Lorraine Nilon, Breaking Free From the Chains of Silence: A respectful exploration into the ramifications of Paedophilic abuse
My life after this ordeal resulted in me delving into my school work, which is where I really excelled. Relationships, body issues, and sex were areas of my life infected by the monsters that attacked my six-year-old self. Demons whispering negative thoughts throughout my whole life. Blame, anger, resentment, feelings of abandonment - all due to this trauma. How could someone have so much power? I was only six years old, and my innocence was stolen, I forever changed. Furthermore, my beliefs of what love, sex, and relationships were like tainted. School-life was the only place where I could find solace, soar, obtain recognition and praise.
“Abuse manipulates and twists a child’s natural sense of trust and love. Her innocent feelings are belittled or mocked and she learns to ignore her feelings. She can’t afford to feel the full range of feelings in her body while she’s being abused—pain, outrage, hate, vengeance, confusion, arousal. So she short-circuits them and goes numb. For many children, any expression of feelings, even a single tear, is cause for more severe abuse. Again, the only recourse is to shut down. Feelings go underground.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse
Depression, anxiety, stress, feelings of low self-worth led to several instances of emotional strife and traumatic events in my life. The abandonment of my father leaving, exacerbated by this first event, coupled with my mother kicking me out of her house; set me on a path of self-destruction in my late teens early 20’s. I began to party, drink excessively and even a blacked out. A few occasions I drove home drunk, a danger for myself and society. Thankfully I never crashed or killed anyone, but after my brother died by suicide, it got worse.
The drinking commenced a regular schedule on Friday and Saturday nights, sometimes even Thursdays. My promiscuity led to several one night stands that could have ended my life, cursed me with a life-threatening STD. I feared nothing, throughout my self-destructive nature - I didn’t really care. I hated myself and my life.
I found my older brother, who moved out at the age of seventeen. He lived with manic depressive disorder, mild schizophrenia and I’m not sure what else. He was my closest sibling growing up and I also felt torn when my mom kicked him out of the house. When I contacted him I discovered he was doing well and living with an older woman. She and I hit it off, she took the place of my older sisters. Truth be told, her attraction to my brother was heart-wrenching. Her son died by suicide and had the same name as my brother, Darren. She had a daughter that lived with her.
Simultaneous to finding my brother, I realized I should return to school. It had always been a dream of mine, perhaps connecting with my brother soothed my soul a bit. Prior to my mother booting me out of her house, I had received a full-ride scholarship to Stanford University and planned on becoming a cardiologist. After she thrust me to the curb, that dream died. I slept in my car for weeks with nowhere to go. I was a schoolgirl, nerdy and not streetwise. This is when the partying began after I found myself on several friend’s couches, nobody wanted me, of course, it wasn't’ anyone’s responsibility but my own. The anxiety, depression, and fear kept me down, but eventually, I found a place, and with that a boyfriend.
My cultural awareness of what it meant to be American shifted in this new relationship. My boyfriend was middle-eastern and couldn’t understand why so many American’s abandoned their kids. He despised my mom. This began my long love-hate relationship with my mother and her resentment of me.
Educated as a psychology major, my mom excelled at helping other people. Her faults and shortcomings were with her family. I spent my younger years blaming her, hating her. Although I truly loved and admired her, it was really complicated. She had her own demons.
My mother wasn’t even supposed to be alive. She burnt her body down one night at the age of nine. She was home alone, her mom was at work. A dance she planned to attend included her poodle skirt, but the button was broken and her long sleeve caught fire when she cooked dinner for her father. Nobody was around to help her and while she was on fire she went to the neighbor to help, they slammed the door in her face. Finally, someone came and wrapped her up in a rug. The fire-fighters came and rushed her to the hospital. My mother wasn’t supposed to make it. Three-fourths of her body burned down and she spent two years in the hospital. The prognosis was she’d never walk again and she’d never have kids.
Two areas where she proved the doctors wrong. My mom always battled evil, was invincible and confronted the world when it was wrong. I loved her, but I also hated how she treated me, like when she kicked me out.
My battle with my mother bled into my relationship with my own kids and her. She undermined my authority, she said disparaging things about my ex and treated my younger kids, his kids, much different than my older two. She called my youngest son a monster and talked negatively about his mental illness. Although my brother’s suicide resulted in her mourning for him every year after, she still refused to accept my younger kids. She was ashamed of my son’s mental illness and perhaps it brought up grief for her, knowing my brother died by suicide and she didn’t do anything for him.
THIS, this is my reason and was my driving force to be there for my kids, my son, no matter what. My obligation from the moment I birthed my kids was to be their mom, to love, support and nurture them. I won’t say I didn’t make mistakes, but as my friend Amethyst says, #nothingwasted
I divorced my second husband, and chose single-parenting over seeking another man. It was very difficult, we struggled and lived paycheck to paycheck. We were homeless at one time and then lived in a trailer purchased so we could park it in our church’s parking lot for a couple of months. I fought and I will continue to fight for my family, my son and those suffering mental illness.
My son hurt inside so badly
I’ve never remarried. Problems from my childhood trauma, buried abuse, as well as abandonment issues, all soiled my relationships. Those issues are painful. One thing though, after my divorce is when we found out my ex-husband had bipolar disorder. He was diagnosed around the same time my son exhibited issues of mental struggles. My ex remarried several times after our divorce, these circumstances exacerbated my youngest son’s mental health and the trigger to many of his suicide attempts. I resolved to never do what my ex did.
Raising my kids by myself was stressful, but I was there for the most part and loved them the best I could. I provided the best I could. I believe they are mostly independent and strong because I modeled this. I completed my bachelor’s degree, masters degree in education and my teaching credential, while I worked full-time and supported my four kids with school and extra curricular activites. They were all I had and I was all they had; I also vowed to never abandone them.
“Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” ~ Winston Churchill — Keep reaching for the little glimmer of hope
My youngest took more of my time than the others, he lived with oppositional defiance disorder, ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. He attempted to take his life five times, and I’ve blogged on my site about it here.
He lives with me and is 22 years old. My eldest daughter is married and has blessed me with three gorgeous grandsons; 7, 4 and 3. She is a social media influencer, photographer and lives in the Central Valley of California. My eldest son is traveling the world with his fiance and works for a tech startup in San Francisco. My youngest daughter recently got married, blessed me with another grandson, he’s 2 months and she’s in the Navy. She recently moved to an island.
“It takes Wonder Woman courage and Superman strength to heal the wounds of our abuse... because it brings change... and we are inclined to hold on to the stability we created in the chaos of our past experiences.
So imagine more. Take small steps. Be guided by your personal truth and not the impressions left by the bad guys in your childhood story.”
― Jeanne McElvaney, Healing Insights: Effects of Abuse for Adults Abused as Children
“Let’s shine a light today and brighten all your tomorrows.” ~ A New Dawn Podcast
So, as a single mother with adult children, I’m able now to devote my life to helping others. I hope I inspire people with the stories others share through my podcast. I hope someone out there that’s buried their sexual child abuse reveals it. Currently, I’m fearful of my students finding this blog, but at the same time, if they do- well, perhaps they’ll know I’m approachable and they can feel safe talking to me about anything. I promote mediation, relaxation, and community in my classroom.
In my classroom, we practice meditation, stress relief, mindfulness and yoga weekly.